Quits
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: When Monogram is in a bad mood, Perry feels personally responsible, so he quits his job at the agency.
1. Chapter 1

"Agent P, I expect better from you!"

Perry probably should have been listening to Monogram, but he'd pretty much heard it all before. The agency had taken tacos off the lunch menu again, so the Major was a lot grumpier than he usually was.

Perry sat in his chair, staring at his hands.

"First you assist Doofenshmirtz in destroying a HUGE amount of Carlos the Caring Clown toys, after I give you specific instructions to STOP HIM AT ALL COSTS. Then I inform you of the DANGER Palmer could mean to this agency, and you run off and have another baby! THEN you come back HERE and eat my breakfast!"

"I was hungry." Perry chattered, even though Monogram was unable to understand him.

"If you're feeling rebellious, you need to get it out of your system. I CANNOT have you adding to my problems. You're one of our best agents."

Perry frowned. He hated Carlos the caring clown, and it just would have made him crazy to stop Doofenshmirtz from getting rid of the one thing he would have liked to get rid of. As for the un-hatched platypus, that had been an accident. And Phineas had forgotten to tell Ferb that it was his turn to feed Perry that morning.

Well, actually, Phineas hadn't forgotten. He just wasn't talking to Ferb.

It broke Perry's heart. Those two had been so close all their lives. Perry didn't even know what had caused them to get into a fight.

"I'm disappointed, that's all." Monogram finished. He left the screen.

Perry sighed. He tried to be good. It was just so hard sometimes.

* * *

Phineas was sitting on the sofa, drawing a picture, when Perry came home.

"Oh, there you are, Perry. Guess what? The store came out with a new line of Carlos the caring clown toys! They mysteriously vanished a couple of days ago. But now they're back! We got Candace a new one."

Perry growled.

Ferb entered the room. He pulled a book of the shelf. "You ARE aware that Perry isn't fond of the Carlos toy, right?"

"You think you suddenly know MY pet better than I do?" Phineas snapped.

"He's OUR pet."

"Not anymore. Bucky was MY dog and we got Perry after Bucky got sick and went to live on a farm, so that makes Perry mine."

"We bought him and named him together."

"But I called dibs on him, so he's mine." Phineas didn't look up from his drawing.

Ferb glared at him. He stormed off to read his book.

Perry followed him.

"Sure, follow your ex-owner." Phineas called to Perry.

Ferb sat down on the kitchen chair and opened his book. Perry jumped up on his lap.

Why did the boys have to fight?

* * *

"I don't get it. Monogram makes us an appointment. We get here at the exact time we're supposed to. And then we STILL have to wait."

Perry and a fellow agent, Darren the duck, were sitting in the waiting room of the O.W.C.A's medical office. Monogram had instructed them to go there to get their rabies shots.

"You know there's probably a one-percent chance that we'll actually get bitten by a rabid dog?" Darren said.

"I never understood rabies." Perry admitted. "I mean, how does it start? The metaphorical rabid dog that is supposedly going to bite us would have to have been chomped on by ANOTHER rabid animal, and where did THAT rabid animal get its rabies? From ANOTHER rabid animal. And another. It never ends! How did the world's first rabid animal get rabies without being bitten by another rabid animal?"

"One of the great mysteries of the universe." Darren said. "It's like that chicken and the egg thing."  
"What's that?"

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

"The egg. No wait, there'd have to be a chicken for the egg to exist. But wait… then that chicken would have to come from an egg. But if there was no one there to LAY the egg…"

"Don't think about it too hard. It'll make your brain get dizzy."

A song came on through the speakers in the ceiling. "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes…"

"Who will? WHO IS COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN?" Perry demanded.

"I tried to warn Monogram not to give you that huge ice cream sundae before we left." Darren said, shaking his head. "You're much too wound up."

"They don't give us any specific time, they're just like, 'She'll be coming when she comes'. Like SHE has the right to decide. I'm not waiting around for some random person to come around one of the MANY MOUNTAINS that line this planet! Who is she, anyway? THEY DON'T GIVE US ANY INFORMATION."

"Perry, it's just a song." Darren said.

"She'll be wearing red pajamas when she comes!" Sang the speakers.

"And not only is this random person coming around the mountain uninvited, she didn't even bother to put CLOTHES on!" Perry shouted.

"It's just a song."

"Right." Perry slumped down in his seat. "I'm bored. I want Monobrow to get his butt out here so I can be protected from that metaphorical rabid dog and go home."

Darren picked up a magazine and flipped to a random page. "NO! Kendrine Adems and Kevin Kadooblie broke up?"

"Agent P? I'm ready for you now." Monogram said, opening the door to the examination room.

Perry got up and walked in.

"She'll be driving six white horses when she comes!" Monogram sang along with the song.

"Don't get me started." Perry mumbled.

* * *

"And the green grass grows all around, all around! And the green grass grows all around!"

Perry was doing his best to ignore Palmer. Palmer had finally gotten out of the "Ninety-nine bottles of pop on the wall" phase, but he'd gotten into a new one: the "Green Grass" phase.

It had been cute the first few minutes. But by the time Palmer had gotten to the egg in the nest, Perry had started to get a little antsy.

Perry was looking after his son while Palmer's mother, Poppy, was out. Usually looking after Palmer meant keeping him from breaking, vandalizing or stealing things.

At least all he was doing this time was singing.

Perry tried to focus on his book.

"And on that bird, there was a feather, the prettiest feather, that you ever did see!"

Perry happened to know that the feather was the last verse in the song. "Finally." He muttered.

"With the feather on the bird and the bird in the egg and the egg in the nest and the nest on the branch and the branch on the tree and the tree on the root and the root in the hole and the hole in the ground, and the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around!"

Perry breathed a sigh of relief.

Palmer was silent for a moment. Then he brightened. "…And on that feather! There was a speck!"

"AKK!" Perry buried his head in the book.

"The prettiest speck! That you ever did see!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Palmer finally finished his song.

He sat and stared at Perry.

Perry stared cautiously back, still not convinced that Palmer was done.

"One more time!" Palmer yelled.

"NOO!" Perry shook his head. "Please, Pal, pick a different song. Any song."

"Okay! This is the song that doesn't end, it just goes on and-"

"Not that one. You know what, let's just park you in front of the TV."

"I don't feel like watching TV."  
"I'll give you doughnuts, marshmallows, and whatever else you want."

"Sold."

* * *

Perry had finally finished his book when Poppy returned. She stared straight at Palmer.

Palmer was surrounded with piles of junk food, watching "Invasion Of The Human Overlords" on the television in Perry's lair.

She glared at Perry.

"He was driving me crazy!" Perry explained.

Poppy just rolled her eyes and walked over to Palmer, tapping him on the shoulder. "Come on. We're heading home."

"Mommy! I missed you!" Palmer gave her a hug. "Bye, daddy!"

"See ya, Pal."

Poppy picked Palmer up and carried him out the door.

Perry closed it behind them. He slumped down against the wall. All Palmer had done was watch TV. Why did that tire Perry out?

Whatever the reason, he just wanted to go home and lay down. That USED to be easy. He'd just sleep on Phineas' bed and move over to Ferb's after a few hours of sleep.

Now, Ferb slept downstairs on the couch. Perry would have to climb all the way downstairs, and he'd have to get Phineas to let him out of the room in the first place.

If only there was some way to get the boys to be friends again.

They were his favorite people in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

"Pinky, guess what I'm allergic to?"

"Walnuts."

"Other than that."

"Unicorns."

"Seriously, guess. I didn't go near a walnut, but I have these splotchy red things on my skin. I have no idea what caused it." Perry showed Pinky his hand. It was missing a small patch of fur.

"Eew. Get it away from me. It made your fur fall off?"

"No, it itched, so I scratched my fur off."

"That's disgusting. You're sure it's not walnut-related?"

"Yep." Perry rubbed his back against the wall. Fur drifted onto the floor.

Monogram entered at that moment. "Great, platypuses shed too."

"They took the tacos AND the apple pie off of the lunch menu." Pinky told Perry.

"Yeah, I kind of figured that out."

"Glad I caught you two." Monogram said. "Promotions are right around the corner. Of course, being promoted just means we raise your salary. But I just wanted to remind you that you need to send in your papers to Carl before we can promote you."

Perry gave Monogram a thumbs-up and continued to scratch his back.

Monogram shook his head. "I told you to be careful when you destroyed Doofenshmirtz's itch-inator."

"Perhaps that's the problem." Perry said to Pinky.

"Could be."

"Reckless agent." Monogram mumbled. He turned and strode out of the room.

Perry stopped scratching.

"He's in a bad mood." Pinky said. "He's acting like this with everyone. It's not personal."

"I keep slipping up."

"Everyone slips up."

Perry sighed. "Not Agent B. Not Agent E."

"Yeah, but they're CREEPY."

Agent E glared at Pinky as he walked past.

Pinky froze. "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

"Not anymore. Hey, you know what sounds good right now? Cucumbers and mango glop."

"You're never gonna give me a break from that, are you?"

"Nope. Maybe we can hit Breathing School afterward and play human dominoes."

"You always make fun of me when you're stressed." Pinky said.

"Can you blame me for freaking out? Monogram used the words 'promotion' and 'reckless' in the same sentence!"

"So…"

"SO, if he thinks my performance stinks, then guess who's not getting promoted?"

"I see. Don't freak out, though. Monogram loves you. You're his favorite. He'll give you your pay raise."

"Sure he will." Perry muttered.

His phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it.

"Hi!" Said Palmer.

"Everything okay?"  
"Yeah. What, you just assume I called you because of a stupid emergency?"

"Well, you don't call me very often."

"Okay. Can you come over?"

"Why?"  
"Because mommy's trying to put up a new shelf and I think she needs help."

"Your mommy's a grump."

"No, no she's not."

"Yes she is. She was all cheerful before she had you. Imagine what she's going to be like after this next one hatches."

"She's not grumpy now. Making a new room for King Penguin Epic Man is making her really happy."

"…King penguin what-sey man?"

"It's what I'm naming the new baby. Because I like penguins, and King is the name of my kitty friend who lives down the street, and Epic Man just sounds all superheroish."

"What if it's a girl?"

"Then I'll change it to King Penguin Epic Woman. I'm kind of hoping it's a boy. Epic Woman doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Okay. Well, I'll come over there in a couple days. I can't do it right now."

"Okay."

"Take good care of King waba-sneka something."

"Bye!"

"Bye." Perry hung up and looked at Pinky. "You heard that, right? It wasn't just me?"

"King Penguin Epic Man." Pinky repeated.

"I told you not to pat Palmer's egg on the head. I think it kind of damaged him."

* * *

Perry stared at Isabella.

Isabella stared at Perry.

Isabella had come over to spend some time with Phineas. Phineas had gone upstairs to get his project book to show Isabella.

Perry was sitting next to her on the couch.

"Do you do anything?" Isabella finally asked.

Perry blinked.

Isabella patted Perry on the head.

Perry drooled on the floor.

"Gross." Isabella took her hand away.

Phineas finally appeared and sat down between them. "So this is the stuff that Ferb and I were gonna do this week. We had to postpone a lot of it, but maybe you can help."

"Where is Ferb, anyway?" Isabella asked.

"Out." Phineas said quickly.

"Out where?"

"Just… out." Phineas started flipping through the pages of his book. "We could build an ice rink."

"Or we could just go to a movie." Isabella said, beaming at him. "You know, spend some time together…"

Perry normally didn't mind when Isabella flirted with Phineas, but now it annoyed him. Ferb was supposed to be there. He was supposed to be helping Phineas figure out the daily project.

Perry climbed onto Isabella's lap and began to drool.

"Ew!" Isabella jumped.

Perry chattered.

"Perry!" Phineas scolded. He picked Perry up and tossed him outside, locking the screen door.

Perry stood on two legs and put his front paws against the glass. "EXILE! EXILE!"

Phineas sat back down on the couch and continued going through his project book.

Perry trotted away from the house. He had better things to do, anyway. Like plot the downfall of Carlos the caring clown.

There had to be SOME way to get rid of him. But how? The blender, toilet, microwave and garbage disposal hadn't worked.

He would need a new plan.

* * *

Perry put a towel into his box.

"What's that for?" Pinky the Chihuahua asked. He had followed Perry into his lair.

"It's for my memory box."

"I know that. What is it going IN the memory box for?"

"Do you know what happened on this very towel?" Perry asked, holding it up so Pinky could see. It was yellow with a picture of a surfing cow on it.

"No."

"On this towel, I slept. And I had my very first black-and-white dream!"

"So… your dream wasn't in color?"

"No. And it was really cool. You see, I was on this train. And it was going somewhere- I forget where- but there was this zebra on the train who called me Kevin and then the train was going into this big tunnel and then there were doughnuts everywhere and I woke up and had this huge craving for glazed doughnuts."

"So now the towel goes in your box?"

"Yep." Perry put it back in the box. "Oh no. I can't find Mr. Stitch." He started digging around.

"Mr. Stitch isn't sanitary." Pinky said.

"There he is." Perry pulled out a thin black string from the box. He stuck it in a plastic baggie and put it back in. "Just so he doesn't get lost."

"Ever consider putting that moldy old sandwich-"

"Steve."

Pinky sighed. "Right. STEVE. Ever consider putting him in a baggie?"

"Why? I can always find him."  
"Maybe he won't get so moldy that way."

"I'm pretty sure Steve IS mold. I don't see any sandwich left." Perry pulled a sandwich out of the box and examined it. "Wait… I KIND of see a little bit of bread."

"EEW." Pinky hid his face. "Please. Put that thing back in the box."

"You hurt Steve's feelings." Perry put Steve in the box.

"It's a SANDWICH."

"Agent P!" Ernest the eagle called, coming out of the lair's elevator.

Both Pinky and Perry turned.

"No, no. The younger Agent P. I need to speak with you."

"Me?" Perry asked.

"There seems to be an issue with your promotion." Agent E pulled out a few papers from his fur pocket.

"I knew it."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Agent E started looking over one of the papers. "All right. It says here that your field work is fine, but you don't really have any… extra talents listed."

"I can make corny jokes. There's this one about this guy who had carrots in his ears…"

"I've heard that one." Agent E interrupted.

"Remember that time when you and Brandon tried to arrest me? And I handcuffed you two together? That falls in the 'awesome reflex' talent category."

"Focus. You don't have a universal driver's license…"

"Thank goodness." Pinky muttered. Perry kicked him.

"You don't play an instrument…"

"Guitar." Perry said. "Sometimes bass."

"Well, you should have listed that when you submitted your form." Agent E said coldly.

"I didn't think my guitar playing had anything to do with my work."

"It doesn't, but the Major can only pay a few agents annually. You ever heard of kids not getting into colleges because they had no extra activities? If you don't have anything extra to add, you won't be promoted. I'm sorry."

"Want me to scribble down some talents on there for you?"

"I'm sorry. It's too late now. Maybe next year you'll be able to meet the requirements." Agent E turned and strode out of the room.

"Great." Perry scowled. "I suppose they've promoted some animal that can fight AND play the tuba while flipping pancakes. What is that all about? I work harder than anyone here."

"I'm sorry." Pinky said.

"Why is everyone sorry? It's not THEIR fault. It's the fault of this stupid agency and its stupid rules. I work my tail off. I even put in extra hours. I neglect to write 'I play the guitar and tell stupid jokes' on my form and they just turn around and give someone else a promotion?"  
"If anyone deserves a promotion, it's you." Pinky said.

"Well, I didn't get one. So let's just drop the whole thing."

"Don't be upset. It's not your fault."

"I'm not upset, Pinky."

"Then why are you pressing your hands together? You don't do that unless you're upset."  
Perry sighed and turned away.

"Can I do anything?" Pinky asked. "To make you feel better, I mean."

"No. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"You look destroyed."

"I'm FINE."

"Okay then. Just let me know."

"Whatever."

Pinky looked in the memory box. "Why is there a plastic eye in here?"

"What plastic eye?"

"This one."

"Oh, that's not plastic."


	3. Chapter 3

"Get over here."

"I'm comfy." Perry was curled up in his pet bed.

"Come on, Perry." Phineas tried to pick Perry up. "It's time for your walk."

"It's raining."

"Come on."

"I hate you. I really, really hate you right now. You will regret it if you take me out for a walk in the rain."

Phineas finally managed to pull Perry out of the bed. He put Perry's leash on.

"You will not make me go out there. You will forever live with guilt if you make me go out there."

Phineas walked toward the front door.

"Rain is cold. Bed is cozy and warm." Perry squirmed in Phineas' grasp.

Ferb stepped in front of the door.

"I have to take Perry for his walk." Phineas snapped. "Go away."

Ferb pointed out the window. "He won't like it in the rain. He has a litterbox."

If there was any benefit to the fight between the two boys, it was the fact that Ferb was speaking more.

"He's a platypus. They're semi-aquatic. They LOVE water."

Phineas was right. Perry did love water. But not when it was cold and rainish.

"They don't like cold water. They're from Australia, you know. The water there is usually warm."

"Well, look who's so smart all of a sudden!" Phineas put Perry down on the ground.

"Look who never cares to LISTEN to me!"

"Look who moved out of our room so I COULDN'T listen even if I wanted to!"

"Look who KICKED ME OUT of our room!"

"It was my room first!"

"Boys!" Linda ran into the room. "That's it. You two are going to take a break."

Phineas and Ferb turned their backs to each other.

"Your father and I have decided this spat has gone on for too long. We're taking a trip to the beach house."

"What about Perry?" Phineas mumbled.

"Isabella has agreed to come and feed him daily. Now pack your bags." Linda shooed them upstairs.

Perry padded back to his pet bed. He realized he was still wearing his leash.

Perry chewed on the leash. It was nice texture.

Finally, he managed to bite through. Only a small piece of the leash remained on his collar.

Perry lay down in the pet bed and closed his eyes.

It was warm. Not like the stupid old rain outside.

* * *

"Why won't she let us in?"

"Because she wants to be the first one to see it hatch."

"I remember when I hatched. Both of you got to see me hatch."

"But Poppy's being possessive of this egg. We'll wait out here, Pal."

Palmer sighed. He sat down and stared at the closed door that led to the kitchen. "It took me two seconds to hatch."

"Maybe this baby's not as strong as you were."

"Maybe King Penguin Epic Man is mocking us." Palmer sighed again. And again.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Because maybe sighing will make the baby hatch faster."

"It won't." Perry sat down on the couch. "Find some way to entertain yourself."

"Okay! Saw a walnut, saw a walnut…"

"Palmer, why are you singing about a walnut?"

"Because you're allergic to them. Also, it sounds better than peanut. Saw a walnut last night, saw a walnut, saw a walnut, saw a walnut last night. It looked rotten, it looked rotten…"

"Palmer, please, no more annoying songs."

"It looked rotten last night, it looked rotten…"

* * *

Perry had his hands over his ears.

"Then I died, then I died, then I died last night! Then I died, then I died, then I died last night! I was a ghost, I was a ghost, I was a ghost last night!"

"AKKK!" Perry stuffed his head underneath the couch cushion. But he could still hear Palmer.

The door to the kitchen flew open. "She's hatched!" Poppy said.

"She? It's a girl?" Palmer asked.

"Yes."

"Aw man. Now we have to name it King Penguin Epic Woman." Palmer went into the kitchen.

Perry cautiously pulled his head out from the couch. "She couldn't have hatched like five verses ago?"

"Come on." Poppy gestured for him to follow her.

In the kitchen, the baby platypus was sitting on top of eggshell remains. "Bluurb." She said to Palmer.

"She's cute." Perry said.

"Was I cute?" Asked Palmer.

"Yes, and it was a good thing, too, because you were a handful." Poppy said fondly.

"He still is." Perry said under his breath.

The baby platypus stared at them. "Blurb! Blurb blurb blurb."

"You mean 'Gnakakakakakakka'." Palmer chattered.

"Blurb." The platypus said.

"Barely hatched and she already has a favorite word." Perry commented.

"What should her name be?" Poppy asked.

"King Penguin Epic Woman!" Said Palmer.

"Maybe something shorter." Poppy said gently.

Palmer thought for a while.

"You have any ideas?" Poppy asked Perry.

"I'm terrible with names."

"What about Pamela?" Palmer asked. "It starts with P."

"That could work." Poppy looked at Perry.

Perry shrugged. "I'm fine with it."

"Okay then. Welcome, Pamela." Poppy said.

"Blurb." Said Pamela.

"We're gonna have some interesting conversations." Palmer said sarcastically.

"Blurb."

* * *

"What's she like?" Devon the dog asked.

"She's small. And teal-colored. And she's basically a clone of Poppy."

"Is she cute?"

"Yep. All she says is blurb."

"Blurb?"

"Yep."

"You don't seem too excited."

Perry sat down in his chair. "I would be if Monogram was. I feel like I failed him by having Pamela."

"You didn't. It was your choice."

"He wasn't even happy for me. Why should I feel guilty about giving life to a platypus?"

"You shouldn't. Monogram's been in SUCH a bad mood lately. He called me fat."

"Seriously?"

"Well, he called me 'Chubby Friend of Mine', but that's the same thing as fat. It just sounds cuter."

"I hope Pam isn't as rowdy as Palmer. I love Pal, but having two of him would seriously explode my brain."

Devon laughed. "I haven't been in your lair in a while."

"It's nice, I guess." Perry shrugged. "It's like a second home."

"I bet you'd hate it if something happened to it-" Devon began.

There was a huge explosion. Perry and Devon leapt out of the way as the wall and ceiling caved in.

Perry stared at the rubble in shock.

"Sorry, Agent P!" Carl said, appearing in the dust cloud that floated in the space where the wall had once been. "One of the new recruits accidentally set off a time bomb."

"Explodey!" Said a baby narwhal, clapping his flippers.

Perry stared at Carl, then at the narwhal. His eyes slowly filled with tears.

He ran for the door. Carl ran after him, calling for him to calm down.

* * *

Pinky opened the door to Perry's room in the medical wing. He quietly approached his friend's bed.

"Why are you in here?"

Perry pulled the white sheets over his head. "I'm sick."

"I happen to know you aren't. Monogram said your temperature was normal and that everything was working properly."

"I have a stomachache."

"Come on, Perry. What's wrong?"

"What's WRONG? Where do I start? Phineas and Ferb aren't friends anymore, I lost a huge promotion, my second favorite place in the world just exploded, Monogram thinks I'm rebelling against him… I don't want to talk, Pinky." Perry poked his head out from under the cloth.

"Talking always helps me feel better."

"Well, I'm not you."

"Lying around pretending you're sick isn't going to change anything."

"Neither is getting up, walking around, dancing to Tiny Cowboy, thwarting Doofenshmirtz or eating pie."

"Speaking of eating pie, have you eaten anything today?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Why don't you go and do something?"

"Do what? Everything I do is wrong. I always mess up. I can't do anything right."

"That's not true."

"I can't. I never will be able to."  
"You really need to get up."

"Two days in bed hasn't killed me. A few more won't hurt."

"Perry, you need to get up. You're not a failure. You're the best agent this agency has ever had."

"You're saying that to make me feel better. It's not working. Go away. I want to be alone."

"You've been alone long enough."

"I like it. Go away."

Pinky sighed. He turned away from Perry and left the room.

Perry pulled the sheets back over his head.

* * *

Perry stuffed a few old soft toys into a huge bag. They were followed by his memory box and his fedora.

"You're up."

Perry glanced at Pinky, who stood beside him. "I guess." He responded.

"So, you're feeling better?"

Perry didn't answer. He pulled a tuxedo out from his closet and shoved it into the bag.

"You making a memory BAG now?" Pinky asked.

Perry put a toilet plunger into the bag.

"Let me guess. You used that toilet plunger the first time you ever plunged a toilet."

Perry finally came to the last thing in his closet. A scrapbook. It had a picture of him on the front as a baby.

Perry stared at it for a moment, then thrust it into the bag with a huge force. He pulled the bag closed and shut the door to his closet.

"What's the bag for?" Pinky asked.

Perry didn't meet Pinky's gaze. "I'm taking it home."

"Why?"

"There's no use coming back here."

Pinky stared at Perry in shock. "But… Doofenshmirtz. You have to come here to get your missions…"

"Not anymore. I quit."


	4. Chapter 4

Doofenshmirtz sat in his armchair, staring at the door.

Perry the platypus should have busted it down thirty minutes before. Doofenshmirtz looked at his watch.

Why was his nemesis so late?

Doofenshmirtz picked up the phone and dialed Major Monogram's number. He waited as it rang.

"This is Major Francis Monogram, head of the secret organization O.W.C.A. If you have evil intentions... then this is John Smith and the O.W.C.A isn't actually real. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Hello? Major Monogram? Perry should have been here like an hour ago. I can't just sit around waiting for him to come thwart me, I have a schedule to keep. Pick up."

There was a click. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz? What are you calling about?"

"Oh, good, you're there. Where's Perry?"

"Perry?"

"Yes."

"The platypus?"

"YES! My nemesis! What other Perry would I be talking about? Where is he?"

Monogram was quiet for a moment. "Uh… Didn't Carl send you the email?"

"No…"

"CARL! I told you to send Doofenshmirtz the notification!"

"Sorry!" Came Carl's faint reply.

"Sorry about that." Monogram said. "We'll fix you up with another nemesis in a few days."

"Why? Did Perry break his leg or something? Not that I'd care."

"He's quit his job. No longer an agent. He was sick for a few days, I don't know if that had anything to do with it. We'll let you know." Monogram hung up.

Doofenshmirtz put the phone down and stared into space.

He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to feel. Perry had been his nemesis for a long time.

He hoped something really terrible had happened to him.

Sort of.

* * *

"I love you, Delores!"

"Well, I hate you, Jameson!"

Perry was lying down on the couch, watching his favorite show, "I Thought You Hated Me". Isabella had fed him a few hours ago, so he was on his own for the rest of the evening.

Perry watched as Delores whacked Jameson on the head with a broom and then kissed him.

"Delores, I hate you."

"I hate you too! I hate you so much I love you!"

They kissed again.

Perry felt tears welling up in his eyes. It was so perfect.

The doorbell rang. Perry ignored it.

It rang again.

And again.

Annoyed, Perry got up and wrapped himself up in his favorite blanket. It was getting colder outside. He didn't want to have to open the door to the cold wind every time some idiot knocked.

He threw open the front door. "What?"

"O.W.C.A notice." Said a tall Doberman, holding up a pamphlet.

"I don't work there anymore." Perry snapped.

"I'm aware." The Doberman handed Perry the paper. "It is my job to inform you that you have one month to return to work."

"Like I'm going to."

"Otherwise, you will be considered an ex-agent."

"Whoopie. Look, buddy, I'm freezing, so can I go back inside now?"

"Sure. Monogram said to tell you though… that it's a shame losing you. You're his favorite agent."

"Give him a hug." Perry slammed the door and stormed back to the couch. He felt cranky. He'd been watching television all day. There wasn't really anything else for him to do.

* * *

Perry was splayed out in a field of flowers. A soft breeze washed over him, and a butterfly flew around his head.

The butterfly was annoying.

Perry blew on it to make it go away. Then he closed his eyes.

A knocking sound woke him up. He looked around himself.

He was on the couch, surrounded by half-empty pizza boxes.

"That's the second time I've dreamed about falling asleep." He muttered.

Another knock. A more insistent one.

Perry closed his eyes again.

"Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-ding-ding-ding…"

Perry growled and got up. He put on his robe and yanked open the door. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO BUY A…"

Pinky waved at him. "Can I come in?"

"Ah. Sure. Sorry about that." Perry waved his friend inside the house.

"You look… different."

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Pinky went into the living room and stared at the couch. "Late night snacking, huh?"

"Not really. I had that for dinner. I was pretty much asleep when you came."

"Sorry, I heard the TV, so I just assumed…"

"Nah. It's fine." Perry switched the TV off.

"What were you watching?"

"The Uncovery Channel or something. I was bored and fell asleep. Why are you here?"

"Just thought you needed some company."

"You look nervous."

"No, I'm fine."

"If you want, I have some random DVDs lying around. We could watch some. I know the pizza's cold, but we can heat it up… there's still some junk food in the pantry, and I bought three dozen doughnuts…"

"Maybe we can just… watch without food. Or do something else."

"Don't you like movies?"

"Yeah, but… you look like you haven't gotten away from that television all day."

"I haven't."

"And you've… no offense… um… put on some weight since the last time I saw you."

Perry looked down at his stomach. "So it sticks out a little. It always looks like that when I sit down."

"Not when you stand up."

"There's a first time for everything."  
"I think you forgot to shave this morning."

"I didn't forget. I just didn't want to."

"Why not?"

Perry shrugged.

"I feel like…" Pinky hesitated for a moment.

"What?"

"I feel like you're throwing your life away."

"I'm not. It's a different way of living, that's all."  
"Lazing around watching TV? That's living like a worthless person who doesn't have anything better to do!"

"I AM a worthless person who doesn't have anything better to do."

"You're not! Gosh, Perry, why can't you see that? Monogram thinks you're amazing!"

"Not anymore."

"Perry, don't be like this."

"Like what?"

"Like… this. I don't want you to live like this."

"YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE!" Perry shouted. "NO ONE'S IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE EXCEPT FOR ME! NOT MONOGRAM OR YOU OR DOOFENSHMIRTZ OR ANYONE!"

"This ISN'T your life! The agency and your family was your life! Just because something bad happens, you can't just-"

"I DO WHAT I WANT."

Pinky huffed. "I've been trying to help you. I guess you don't want it."

"I don't."

"Fine then. I'll go."

"You do that."

Pinky stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Walking always calmed Perry's nerves. And Danville Forest was always a very calm and quiet place to walk in.

After pacing awhile, Perry sat down in a leaf pile near a tree. He hadn't meant to hurt Pinky's feelings. He'd just been tired.

He felt confused, like he didn't know what he wanted anymore. The feeling annoyed him. He wanted it to go away.

A male platypus emerged from a bush. His unfocused eyes looked angry.

"Mine." He said.

Perry stared at him.

"My territory." The platypus chattered.

"Share it." Perry retorted.

"No. It is mine. I found it first so it is mine."

"Okay, it's yours."  
The platypus growled.

It made the hair on Perry's neck rise. Abandoning every thought, he got down on all fours.

The platypus jumped on him and started clawing him. Perry fought back with his paws and teeth.

The other platypus was biting him as well, but Perry was hardly aware of the pain. The only priority in his mind was winning this fight.

Perry had heard Monogram say once that animals knew how to fight without being taught, and that they could be vicious if they really believed in what they were fighting for.

This platypus obviously had the upper hand. Perry was trained to fight humans, or other animals trained to fight humans, but he wasn't sure how to fight animals that fought like animals.

He could kind of tell that the object of animal fighting was to cause as much damage as possible to your opponent.

They tussled until they fell into a river. Perry swam to the surface. The platypus had chomped onto his tail and wasn't letting go.

Perry tried to shake him off. The platypus held on and clawed his back.

Perry remembered a nature channel Phineas had watched once about an animal that played dead to stop its enemy from fighting it. Perry flipped over onto his back and held his breath.

The platypus let go. He poked Perry with his bill, and then ambled stupidly back toward his bush, limping a little.

Perry waited until he was gone. Then he released his breath.

Only then did he feel pain. His limbs weren't wanting to move. His tail hurt.

Perry rolled onto his stomach and tried to get up. He was too exhausted.

But he couldn't stay outside. It was cold, and his fur was wet. He would be a platypus popsicle if he didn't go back in.

But he couldn't.

He felt himself growing tired. He squished himself into a ball to conserve body heat.

He heard faint footsteps in the distance.

They came closer.

They were very close.

They stopped right behind him.

Perry closed his eyes. Whoever or whatever it was, they didn't matter.

He just wanted to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Perry woke up back at home, in his pet bed.

It took him a moment to remember what had happened the night before.

"Good, you're awake." A platypus with bright blue eyes said. She was standing in front of him.

Perry squinted. "Penny?"

"Hey, little bro. Man, you were frozen solid. It took an hour with the hairdryer on high to defrost you. Good thing I was taking a walk in the woods last night."  
Perry rubbed his head. "You're not in the zoo?"  
"Not at the moment, no. I was actually coming to visit you."

The TV blared in the other room.

"I must have forgotten to turn it off." Perry stood up.

"No, that's my son, Paris. I told him he could watch something. Is that okay?"

"That's fine. Wait… you have a son?"

"Yeah. He's only a week old."

"Should you be monitoring the television in case he changes the channel?"

"Nah."

"And now," Said the TV. "A movie that was so gruesome it had to be rated higher than R- even higher than X! It's so gruesome it's been banned in thirty-seven states and three continents! Presenting the new Z-rated movie!"

Penny ran into the living room. "Paris, turn that off right now!"

Perry followed.

Paris was sitting on the floor, chewing on the remote.

"We don't chew on things." Penny pulled it out from his mouth. She switched the channel to a program with a dancing pink sheep.

"Moo." Paris said.

"By the way, you should probably get to work." Penny pointed at the clock.

Perry shook his head.

"Why not?"

"I quit."

"Oh." Penny didn't meet his gaze. "Okay then."

"You don't think I should have quit, do you?"

"No. I don't, actually. You're like the pride of the agency." Penny said. "As a matter of fact, you're listed as top field agent on the O.W.C.A internet."

"I just couldn't take it anymore. Monogram was yelling at me too much."

Penny shook her head.

"But on a lighter note, I destroyed my least-favorite clown toy in the dishwasher."

"Say the ABC's with me!" Said the pink sheep on the TV. "A… B…"

"L… K… 3…. R…" Said Paris.

"I'd better take Paris back home to the zoo." Penny said.

"That's fine. Thanks for rescuing me."

"No problem. Come on, Paris."

"Mommy!" Paris reached for Penny.

Penny picked him up.

"You're not mad, are you?" Perry asked.

"No. It's your choice. I just think that… you shouldn't have left. They need you."

"If Monogram didn't want me to leave, he would have told me. But when I quit, all he said was 'Fine'."

Paris stuck his paw in his mouth and started drooling on it.

"They need you."

"I'll keep that in mind." Perry opened the door for his sister.

"Bye-bye." Said Paris.

Perry closed the door. The dancing sheep on the television was still rambling on about sharing with others.

He felt uneasy, like something weird was going to happen.

* * *

Perry was eating cereal when the doorbell rang.

He stood up drowsily. He wasn't fully awake. He'd forgotten to get coffee after it had run out. Perry practically ran on the stuff.

He opened the door and gave the visitor a tired stare. "Yes?"

"Hi hi! I'm really sorry to bother you, but… I just need some work." A small rabbit said. She was a little taller than Palmer, white, with a pink nose and pretty blue eyes.

"I can't pay you anything."

"I don't work for pay, I work for experience." The rabbit said. "My name is Denise."

"I know a rabbit named Dennis."

"Any work at all, I can do it." Denise said. "Don't judge me by my size or my age or anything. You look tired."

"I didn't have any coffee left."

Denise brightened. "I could go buy you some. I could even make it. If you promise to let me work. I can help you with anything. It'll just be for a month or so."

"Fine. Make sure you get the Caramel Deluxe Chocolicious brand."

"Thank you!" Denise saluted him. "I'll be back! And I'll be back with coffee!" She gave him a huge hug and sped away.

Perry went back inside. Denise was right next to him.

"The store's that way. As in out of the house."

Denise laughed. "I know, I'm sorry. I forgot I actually had the same brand you liked in my bag. I had it all along. I can make it now."

Perry raised an eyebrow. "You had that exact brand in your bag?"

"Of course. Caramel Chocolicious is often requested, because it's so yummy." Denise bounced over to the coffee maker and started pouring some coffee beans in. "You can do whatever while I make this. It'll be ready in a bit."

Perry started to get suspicious. "What are you gaining from this?"

"I told you, experience. I need to learn to work."

"Isn't that your parents' job? To teach you?"

"My mother doesn't work. I had to teach myself. But I can do anything you need, anything at all. Just holler." She smiled cutely.

"How… OLD are you?"

"A little under a month. But I can't help what time I was born, so let's not let that be an issue."

"Okay… I guess."

"Thank you." Denise handed him a cup of coffee. "And there you are."

"Thanks."  
"Not a problem. Anything else I can do?"

"Nah, I'm good."

* * *

"Pinky! Did you hear? Perry's gone."

"I heard. He told me."

"Oh." Devon turned his head to the side in confusion. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know." Pinky put down the paper crane he was making.

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you could call him and find out."

"I don't really want to talk to him right now."

Devon looked sad. "Don't get mad at him for quitting. He was having a really hard time. He could use a friend more than ever right now, I bet."

"I went over there. He didn't want me."

"He just kicked you out?"

"Well…" Pinky hesitated. "No… he was happy to see me at first. Then we got into this fight. I just told him that I thought he should… well… not… throw his whole life away. You should have seen him. He wasn't happy. He was all alone."  
"No wonder he was upset, then. He already knows he's not happy. I think all he wanted from you was company."

"You're probably right. Still, he shouldn't have yelled at me."

"Monogram shouldn't have gotten on him in the first place. Perry always was really messed up. He's been that way ever since his friend Terrence died. He's hardly ever happy. He just jokes so much it's hard to remember that."

"We could fix his lair."

"We could."  
"I bet that would cheer him up." Pinky smiled a little. "We could try."

* * *

Perry wondered when the boys would get back from their trip. He really missed them.

He would have been lonely by now, except Denise was here. The only thing was, Denise only appeared whenever something needed to be done: Answering the door, cleaning something up or making something. Otherwise, she would vanish. It was really annoying. Perry wanted more time to talk to her so he could figure out what the heck she was really doing there.

Perry sat down on the couch. "Denise? You there?"

Denise came out of the kitchen. "Yep. You need something?"

"Just… stay in here for a while." Perry turned on the television. "It gets too quiet in here."

Denise nodded. She sat down on the floor and looked around the room. "Were you ever a member in the O.W.C.A?"

Perry stared at her. "What?"

"No need to freak. My brother told me all about it. His friend spilled to him after he was fired. His friend had his memory erased, but they never found out about my brother. I just kind of suspected you'd been trained, because you're smart."

"Yeah. I have been."

"So are you a rogue now or something?"

Perry laughed a little. "No. I'd never try to bring the agency down. I just quit."

"No hard feelings toward it?"

"None."

The doorbell rang. Denise leapt up. "I'll get it."

The television was playing a Christmas movie. It was a while away, but apparently the channel wasn't aware.

"Come on, Holly, let's help Santa save Christmas!"

"Okay, Ginger! Come on, Mistletoe!"

"Arf arf!"

"Ha ha! Mistletoe, that's not Santa's sleigh! That's our sled! Hey, here comes our friend Nick!"

Perry shook his head and switched the television off.

Denise came back with an envelope. She handed it to Perry. "It's from some guy named Percy."

Perry shrugged and tore the letter open. No doubt Penny had told their father about Perry quitting. He wished everyone would just shut up about the whole thing.

_Perry,_

_Your sister has told me that you quit the agency. I know you've been having some trouble with Monogram- believe me, EVERYONE has trouble with Monogram- but I also know you're having a little bit of trouble with yourself. It's hard to not be able to understand what you want._

_I remember when I rebelled against Monogram. I actually wound up doing something I'm not too proud of… I killed three agents. One of them was a new recruit. I sat around feeling sorry for myself too long after I remembered all of this, and I nearly killed you as well. I'm not saying you'll do the same. I just want you to know that I was always so proud that you stuck with your agency no matter what. _

_I happen to know first-hand that Monogram is unhappy because you left. I also know that there weren't any tacos in the lunch menu this past month, and that they're coming back next week._

_You're a great agent. The agency won't be the same without you. But it's your choice. You can go back, or you can stay away. Whichever one you choose, make sure it's what you really want._

Perry put the letter down. He didn't actually understand it all that well. It didn't make much sense.

But he knew what he was going to do. He stood up and put on his fedora.

He was suddenly grabbed from behind and tied up. His attacker dragged him toward the basement and down the steps.

Perry was too surprised to say anything. He struggled against the ropes as he bounced down the stairs.

His attacker wrapped a loose end of the rope around a wooden pole. Then it turned him around to face it.

"Denise? Why…"

Denise shrugged. "I was adopted by a former O.W.C.A agent. A rogue. He trained me. He'll be here pretty soon to collect you."

"Adopted? You said- your brother- you just wanted work!"

Denise smiled. "I lied."


	6. Chapter 6

A rabbit answered the Flynn-Fletcher door when Pinky knocked.

"Hi…" He said. He hadn't actually been expecting a rabbit.

"Is Perry there?" Devon asked.

"I dunno." The rabbit turned toward the inside of the house. "PERRY!"

No answer.

"PERRY!"

After another moment, she turned around again. "Maybe he went out to buy something."

"What are you doing here?" Devon asked.

"I'm helping him around the house. I needed work experience."

"Can we come in?"

"I don't know, I'd have to ask Perry. And he's not here."

"It's okay, we're friends of his. We'll wait."

"I guess…" The rabbit hesitated. "I guess you can come in."

She led them into the living room.

Pinky and Devon sat on the couch.

The rabbit sat across from them, on the floor.

"You're young." Pinky commented.

The rabbit shrugged. "I guess."

* * *

Dennis paced in front of Perry. "Let me rephrase my question: Now that you've quit the agency, will you join the rogues?"

"No."

"Denise told me that you recently received a letter from your traitorous father. Had you not gotten that letter, would you join the rogues?"

"No."  
"You're quite stubborn."

"You got what you wanted, Dennis. You got a kid you could train from a young age. Why would you need me?"

"Denise is smart, but she's not quite up to your level yet. And I'm not that patient. I want to make a move to take over the agency soon. I can't take over with the help of a baby bunny."  
"The doorbell rang a few minutes ago. It's probably someone coming to look for me."

"They'll never think to look in the basement. You're certain you aren't joining?"

"I'm sure."

"Good luck, then." Dennis started walking up the stairs.

"You're leaving me here?"

"Who knows, if you don't die of starvation, then perhaps the rats will find you and chew the ropes you're tied up in. Or maybe they'll be hungry for some meat. I'm not sticking around to find out." Dennis opened the basement door and left.

Perry waited for a moment. Then he opened his mouth and let out a high-pitched screech.

* * *

"What is that NOISE?" Devon put his hands over his ears.

"Sounds like a fire engine." Pinky said.

"Or an animal in distress." Devon said.

"What kind of animal?"

"How am I supposed to know? All animals make pretty much the same weird noise when they're hurt or dying or something. Except for fish. Fish can't talk."

"Yes, they can. They signal each other with bubbles or something."

"That's not talking."

"Hey, where'd the bunny go?" Pinky pointed at the spot where the rabbit had been.

It was empty.

A loud thump sounded from under the floor. Then another.

"Is this house haunted?" Devon asked nervously.

"Fortunado!" Pinky shouted.

"Not funny."

"But seriously, that sounded like it was coming from the basement. What if someone built a wall over a chained man in Perry's basement, like in that story? Or if it's a ghost?"

"What if it's Perry?" Devon said slowly. "That rabbit didn't seem… well… you know…"

"Platypuses slam their tails against the floor when they're angry."

"What about when they're scared?"

"They chatter."

Another thump.

"They could have a distress squeal."

"I don't know if they have the voicebox for that."

"Come on." Devon got down from the couch and went to the basement door. "Let's check."

* * *

Perry slammed his tail against the floor again. He'd already tried chewing the ropes, but his teeth weren't strong enough.

Devon came padding down the basement stairs.

"About time!" Perry snapped, even though he was glad to see him.

"I told you it was him!" Devon ran over to Perry and untied him. "You okay?"

"I am now." Perry hugged him. "Thanks."

Pinky came down the stairs next. "What happened?"

"Dennis adopted a new daughter. She kind of left me here."

"Stupid rogues." Pinky shook his head.

"You think they'll let me back in the agency?" Perry asked.

Pinky smiled. "You're coming back?"

Perry smiled back. "Why not?"

* * *

Perry lay down in his pet bed. What a great day. Monogram had actually hugged him when he returned. His lair had been rebuilt. And as for his promotion… well, it didn't bug him so much anymore. He'd remember to put more stuff on the form next year.

The front door opened. Perry sat up. His family must have returned.

"…And tomorrow, Ferb and I are gonna build a huge playground!" Phineas was telling his mother.

"It's going to be wild." Ferb said.

"You two have such adorable imaginations." Linda said.

"Perry, we're home!" Phineas ran into the room and scooped Perry up in a huge hug. "I missed you so much! Ferb, Perry's purring!"

Ferb came over and hugged both Perry and Phineas at the same time.

Perry was shocked that the boys were suddenly getting along again.

Shocked, but happy.

He leaned his head against Ferb's shoulder and smiled. Tomorrow he would fight Doofenshmirtz for the first time since he had quit.

And he was going to win.


End file.
